New Family pictures
Friday, July 15, 2005
I posted below our new family pictures we had done recently so that family can pick out thier favorite shots and put in requests for sizes...let me know who wants what.
Kari daydreamed @ 4:09 PM
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My Boys!
Kari daydreamed @ 4:07 PM
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Family Picture
Kari daydreamed @ 4:07 PM
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New Family shots
Kari daydreamed @ 4:06 PM
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Back to the Dr.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Today was my follow up visit. For those of you who don't know, Ian and I opted not to go with the D&C and instead I took a medicine that would basically induce the miscarraige. After much cramping, discomfort and pain, Tuesday night, we went back to the doctors today for a follow up and to do an ultrasound to make sure everthing came out ok. Concurent with our luck, the pregnancy had not passed and was indeed still there. Now we had to make this horrible decision all over again...D&C, more meds, or just wait... After much talking and deliberating we decided to go with the D&C. Luckily for us, we were able to get in right away and did it all with in a couple of hours.
Now is when I need you all to pray for my incredible husband. He is beyond strong! I am a complete baby when it come to I.V.'s, so first he endured that, me screaming and crying like a crazy woman when they are trying to put it in. I bled ALL over the place! Then he opted to go in the O.R. with me and be by my side through the entire proceedure. Inside the OR they had to change my IV and put it in the other arm because I freaked out so bad they didn't get it right the first time. So then I freaked out again, screaming, crying, crazy woman...
While in the OR they gave me this medicine which made me forget everything! I feel soooooo bad for Ian. Apparently I was in really rough shape and I can tell from what he tells me that it really broke his heart to have to see me that way, and go through this emotional proceedure, the sights the sounds, everything. He tells me that I was totally awake and just horrible with saddness and pain and he remembers every little detail. He doesn't believe that I don't remember anything. Now I feel bad that he had to go through this and even though I did too I have absolutely no recallection of any of the proceedure.
His mind and memory are scared forever, so please pray that he isn't haunted by these horrible memories. I wish I could take them away from him like they did with mine. I'm sorry Ian, thank you for being strong and sticking with me, I love you with my whole heart!
Good night for now everyone and once again, a heart felt thank you to all of you
Kari daydreamed @ 9:03 PM
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trying to heal...
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
I added this song/video in my sidebar because it reminds me of Ian. Every word....this is how Ian treats me, how much he loves me. It's as if he's saying these words to me everyday.
Writing right now is so emotional. Everything is so emotional. One minute I feel fine, like I am coping like a pro then the next I just break into tears. I thank god for my family and friends and all of the support you all have continued to give.
I feel that there is so much anger in our hearts right now. I hate that feeling.
Angry at God
Angry at women with unwanted pregnancies
Angry at unfit parents
Angry that it had to be us
Angry at the situation
Angry that anyone has to go through this
Angry that the doctors couldn't do anything to stop it
Angry that there's nothing anyone can say to make it better
Angry that everything anyone says seems to somehow make it worse
Angry that people have to feel sorry for us
Angry that we have to feel sorry for our selves
Angry that our next pregnancy will be that much scarier
Angry for being so angry
I think honestly that Ian is more angy than me, Ia m just more sad. I hate being sad, so does he...that's why he's angry too.
That's it for today. I go to the doctor tomorrow...I guess to make sure that the miscarraige went ok....how can anything about that be ok? I don't know...I'll try to write again tomorrow.
Please don't take this post the wrong way, all of you comments love and support are still very much appreciated, it's just hard all around.
Kari daydreamed @ 1:56 PM
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Thank you all for your prayers...
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Thank you to everyone who gave their support and prayers to us through this past week. Unfortunatly, God has decided that this baby is not ready to come into the world. Our ultrasound today confirmed that the heartbeat has stopped and the baby is no longer striving. While I appreciate all your kind words and assurment through these last couple weeks there was truely nothing we could do. I would especially like to thank my husband who has been my rock through all of this. Thank you Ian, for all your support and undying love. To everyone, really, your support and love has been overwhelming and I thank you all.
Right now, as I continue to grieve, I feel there is truly nothing anyone can say that will make this easier. I know all the sayings, "everything happens for a reason", "This is what God felt was right", "You can try again", But unless you can tell me what God's reason was, or what exactly it was that God was feeling, or why
this baby couldn't stay, then I'm afraid that, at this point, it just won't help.
This is our time to grieve, our time to help each other, and our time to be faithful.
This is how I will spread the word that we are no longer having a baby, talking on the phone is much too hard. The more I talk about it and explain every detail the more I relive that moment in the office where we saw our little bean but no little flutter of a beat....
So, until next time, I again, say thank you to everyone who gave their support and prayers, you will never know how much they were all appreciated.
Kari daydreamed @ 3:00 PM
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A suburban girl transplanting to the big ole NY countryside. Married to my soul mate, step mom to a pre-teen boy, survivor of a miscarriage...and struggling to get pregnant again. These our my thoughts, my dreams, and my struggles, so fasten your seat belts, it's sure to be a bumpy ride.
